Tag Archives: self esteem

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How to Be A Successful Human

So the last decade of my life, and in particular the last five, have been beyond educational and jam-packed with growth.  Some was growth I wanted and some, not so much.  But the end result is I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  All of it got me right here.

In 2009 my company went through leadership training.   The goal was to make us better leaders and  we did an exercise to uncover what was holding us back from being a successful leader.  From that I created the following list of where I felt I fell short as a successful leader:

I’d be a successful leader except…

  • I’m afraid others will think my ideas/goals are stupid/not worthwhile
  • I am doing only safe things.  I am sticking with only what I feel I am good at
  • I’m not always being honest with myself about what I want
  • I’m not challenging myself as much as I could
  • I’m playing it safe

Once that list was created, I slowly but surely changed those behaviors in a drastic way.  In my job I became exceptionally outspoken and even more direct than I thought possible.  That evolution for me was life changing and once I had proven to myself that I didn’t have to be afraid to express and be myself,  it began to create pressure in other parts of my life.  What I discovered, is that once you become aware you aren’t being authentically you and decide to change that, you really can’t put the genie back in the bottle.  Being authentic means that the barriers and blocks that you’ve accepted in your life previously, are no longer acceptable. You can’t be direct and open in one part of your life and then stuff it back in the box in other parts of your life, it just doesn’t work at least not for long.  I think that growth was a significant piece of the undoing of my marriage.  There were many signs before that made me realize that that union wasn’t going to be forever. It became clear to me that I was not being true to myself in that relationship and that there was really no room for it there.  It was only a matter of time before it was really over. But, when it was over and I no longer had to tap down my “me”, it freed up energy I could use elsewhere to bloom and grow.  That list of items where I felt like I wasn’t being as successful leader were turned into:

I am a successful human being because…

  • I’m not afraid of what others will think of my ideas and I will share them without being afraid of the response
  • I take risks and go outside of my comfort zone.  I try new things even if I am not instantly good at them.
  • I am honest with myself about what I want
  • I continuously challenge myself
  • I do not play it safe

And I would also add to that list:

  • I trust my gut and my brains to come up with a good solution
  • I understand that success is not instant and takes time to cultivate and grow and I appreciate the process along the way
  • I am as compassionate to myself as I am to others
  • I make sure my soul is fed before feeding others
  • I thank people who help me whether it be in deed, word or gesture
  • I actively listen to others with my ears, eyes, brain and heart
  • I communicate with others by not getting caught up in “the story”/drama of a problem, I ask if they want a solution or just an ear
  • I can’t understand what it’s like to live in someone else shoes, but I respect others point of view and emotions and always try to find common ground
  • I thank others for their attempts, efforts,  and successes and let them know how much I value and appreciate their work and energy
  • I thank myself for my attempts, efforts,  and successes and let myself know how much I value and appreciate my work and energy

Looking back on all of this I was a bit of a zombie in my life.  I was waiting, playing it safe and making so many trade-offs mostly for a sense of security and denying my true feeling and passions.  I no longer believe in that sense of security and not because I am trying to be a fatalist or feel burnt by experiences in my life. but because I trust my ability to be flexible and to change and because I understand that nothing is permanent.  Instead of that being scary, it’s exciting, it means that my life has room for growth, joy, challenges and excitement.  I will never be caught off guard by change because I already know it is all always changing.

I encourage you to write-up your own set of rules to live by, to be strong by.  Write them in present tense and don’t allow in any excuses.  Write it in the strongest of terms. This list doesn’t mean that you live them perfectly everyday, but you try to.  It is your own benchmark for behavior and your life.  This is a list for you to see how strong you are and remind yourself of your value, outside of the needs and commitments to others. Fortify and bolster yourself up, no one else can do it better than you can.

How to be a Successful Human www.cijablack.com Just Remember to Breathe

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Achilles’ Heel: Eww, what did I just step in?

Achilles Heel: Eww, what did I step in? www.cijablack.comI read an article in Huffington Post today that really hit home, Why You Should Think Twice Before You Praise Someone For Losing Weight – Yashir Ali.  In it he discusses the impact of telling people how great they look because they have lost weight.  He points out that there could be a variety of reasons why they lost weight,  like a major stress in their life (divorce, death in the family) or an illness they don’t want to disclose.  The other reason to consider, and one that I feel personally, is that the process of losing (and gaining) weight is very personal. Odds are it’s not something that the person going through it necessarily wants to discuss. The article is a great read and so well thought out.  It’s interesting to read the comments as well.  A good portion of them say get over it a compliment is a compliment, I think it’s unfortunate that people are unwilling to consider that maybe the receivers of the “compliment” don’t necessarily interpret things the same way they do.  Peoples feelings are their feelings.

It definitely got me thinking about how I feel when I get praise for losing weight. Please understand, I love my parents dearly and know they mean well, but there is a part of me that always wonders what they will say (or not say) about my weight each time I see them. In my mind I’m convinced that  if I am heavier then the last time I saw them or have not lost weight,  they will say nothing and if weight less,  they will ask if I lost weight and then comment on how great I look.  Both responses, the silence and the comments, are deafening. To be fair, I also know I am reading far more into this than what they intend, or I am sure are even aware of.  I have a great life-time backlog of internal criticisms in my head to choose from, so at this point in my life it’s far more on me, then them to sort through my feelings about these comments.  But I bring it up here, because it does cross my mind each time I see them.  Sometimes I just want to say “Yep, I’ve gained more weight, it sucks, can we move on?”. With my friends that whole dynamic holds a lot less power for me. But, depending on how I am feeling about my weight on a given day, I do consider how I look and how friends  may respond to my weight (or not).

It’s such a double-edged sword, because losing weight IS a lot of hard work and when I have been successful, I have been proud of that effort.  The acknowledgement I get in response to weight loss does feel good.  Where it becomes hard, is in the contrast of that praise for weight loss, compared with the silence I get when I haven’t lost weight.  Without a word, I can hear it loud and clear (at least my interpretation). I am an intelligent woman who questions everything, doesn’t accept status-qua and I know  I’m a valuable and worthy person, full of amazing qualities. But, but my Achilles heal is weight.  On some level I  have bought into societies validation based on thinness. At the core of me, to some degree,  I do feel that I am a better person if I am thinner.   I don’t “think ” it but I know I “feel” it and that is really so much more powerful and damaging.   So I will admit that when I get that praise I feel more worthy.  When I hear nothing I feel like somehow I have let everyone down including myself.  And its not even because I think that I am better thinner, but because conversely I’m not as worthy if I am fat.  That is so messed up to even write that down but somehow I feel better saying it here.  Maybe doing that will reduce it’s power in my being.

So for those that know me or for those who know someone who battles with their weight you are probably wondering what  you should do.  What I have discussed above seems to have no good answer or response and is sort of contradictory.  So all I can do is tell you what I would want.  If you see me and notice I have lost or gained weight, wait and see if it’s something that comes up in our conversation. If  I bring it up then consider the topic is open for discussion. Although I guess this post has sort of done just that.

But, if you want to say something nice, tell me how happy I look….because for the most part I am that.  Words like radiant, beautiful, happy, glowing are always good too.  There are so  many ways complement someone besides their weight.  Frankly complimenting them on things other than their appearance also means you are really being present with them and turned into them as a person and not just their outward appearance.

So I guess the bottom line is, do give praise but be mindful of the words you choose,  because what they mean to you may not be what they mean to someone else and you never know where someone’s head is at.